"Ughhh... I have to take a nap!"
Then I go, I'm Brian, B-R-I-V-O-L-B-N, the number 7, the letter Q, that's right, 'Brennemenahgah!!!' Look at my name tag, it's, it's big."
Live - Brian Regan
No, the quote in the title is not an insult. I have no way to know if you're troubling, you're not my son, and I have no earthly idea how heavy are. Rather, it is one of several chuckle-worthy quips made by Arthur Spooner (played by Jerry Stiller) on the sitcom The Kings of Queens.
For your entertainment, here are a few more "Spooner-isms":
While out with Doug's (Kevin James) and Carrie's (Leah Remini) bla--ahem, African-American friends Deacon (Victor Williams) and Kelly (Merrin Dungey), Arthur is outraged at their seating arrangement:
"Rather than worry about what I am eating you should be concerned about why we've been seated so close to the kitchen? (to the waiter) IS IT BECAUSE WE'RE BLACK?!"
And as shown by the title, Arthur will never pass up the opportunity to mock Doug's enormous girth:
"You know, we're quite a pair, us two. Like Jake and the Fatman. Needless to say, I'm Jake."
This time, Arthur just can't seem to get the math right:
"Arthur: I've got two words for you: I'm staying right here!
Carrie: That's four words.
Arthur: Well, here's four more words for you: screw you!
Carrie: That's two words!
Doug: Arthur maybe you should stop saying how many words you are going to use in advance.
Arthur: Yeah, once you do that you're pretty much locked in, huh?"
Moving on from the Spooner-Heffernan clan, you may have noticed the quote at the beginning by stand-up comedian by Brian Regan because, well, it's the first thing I wrote. Right there in the beginning. So...that would happen. Here are more examples of Regan's clean, observational style of comedy:
Reminiscing about his junior high science fair judging:
"So I didn’t know what to do for my project so I brought in a paper cup filled with dirt, just hoping that she’d know I’m an idiot and just walk right on past me just as long as I was holding something.
So she walks by and goes, “What do you have there, Brian?”
“It’s a cup of dirt. Just put an ‘F’ on it there and let me go home!”
Then she goes, “Welllll, explain it.”
“Well, it’s a cup...with dirt in it. I call it ‘Cup of Dirt.’
You should move on now. Just go ahead and move on. Head on down the line there."
On the ridiculousness of serving sizes:
"One thing that amazes me, a serving size on the ice cream I had was like a half a cup. Is that like a joke some guy put on there? 'Hey, come here: look what I put for the serving size! Did you see? I just did it as a joke but they're going out like that!'
You ever know anybody to eat a half a cup of ice cream? 'Hey, you wanna go grab something to eat?' 'Ah, no. I had a half a cup of ice cream! Ya, a WHOLE half a cup. I just kept eating and eating and eating. I must've had two spoonfuls!'"
On being an idiot as a kid:
"I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew."
On ridiculous interview questions:
"Alright so Evil Conevil, yeah. They're always asking him about that time he messed up. And the strangest question I've ever heard them ask is this:
'So evil what were you thinking right before you hit the ground?'
I mean, how much stupider can you get?
Yeah, Evel goes, 'Well, Bob. I was thinking, Hey! Did I leave the iron on? And when my leg broke in half, Hey! I should get a puppy!'
'No! What do you think I was thinking? I was thinking AAAAAAAAA!!!!! AAAAAA!!!! AAAAAA!!!' "
And finally, the destructiveness of kids' party games:
"Then there was musical chairs. There's a nice little anxiety attack for seven year olds. Only one kid can win all the other kids are walking around going 'Ahh. Ahh. Ahh. Ahh!' You know elbowing their friends 'Ahh!' That's fun.
Somebody asks his kid, how was the party? 'It was horrible! I couldn't get a chair and I got a pin in my neck! Please don't make me go back! Please! You said that would be a happy house!' Musical chairs. Do you remember the first time you saw the chairs lined up like that for that game? I don't know about you but I counted the chairs and was like: 'Hey there's not enough chairs. There's not enough chairs for us.' And my mom goes, that's the whole point Brian. There's never enough in life, you'll always be miserable. There's no cake, there's no ice-cream. Happy birthday."
And finally, what is a "quotes" post without some of the very best from Whose Line is it Anyway? Yes indeed, the best show ever to air on television:
First up, some of the best from my favorite game, 'Narrate':
"Cats don't steal bras...unless they're really smart!"
"He had the kind of face only a mother could love... if that mother was blind in one eye and had that sort of milky film over the other one...You know? You know what I mean? But still, he was my identical twin."
Yeah...the last time I saw him he tried to kill me. But when you kill somone by...chopping off their head, rolling them up in a carpet, and burning it... you'd better make sure they're dead."
Our host Drew Carey always made sure to let us know the points didn't matter. But, Mr. Carey, just how useless were the points?
"...the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter, that's right, he points are like the cost of your funeral."
"The points are like Shaquille O'Neal at the free throw line."
"The points are like cheeseburgers after you've had angioplasty."
"The points are like whatever a delivery guy in a porno movie is delivering."
"They're useless, like the rack of Speedos at the Big and Tall shop."
"The points are like who has to use the bathroom after you do."
"The points are like four out of the Jackson Five."
And Drew always had a joke prepared for when we came back from a commercial. Here are some classics:
"And we're back to 'Whose Line is it Anyway', the show that gives Colin Mochrie a reason to live."
"I'm Drew Carey, you say tom-ay-to, I say bourbon and coke."
"Hey, If you want a transcript of tonight's show, just type out every word we say."
"Hey, If you want a free Whose Line is it Anyway? T-shirt, here's what you do: Take out an old T-shirt and a black marking pen, and on the front, write "Whose Line is it Anyway?".
"Hey, you know that disheveled-looking transvestite you always see leaning on a lamp post when you're driving home late at night? That's me!"
"Thanks for watching, tonight, by the way. Because let's face it, you could be reading to your kids, but... thanks for joining us for some laughs."
"Welcome back to 'Whose Line is it Anyway', or if you're watching it in a mirror, 'Anyway It Is Line Whose.'"
And we'll finish with a Dr. Seuss-inspired pickup line:
"Come sleep with me, sleep with me twice.
I'd think that that'd be very nice.
Lookey Lookey at the size of my shoe.
You know what they say, yes it's true."
Video:
For the first time, I'm going to share an actual video. Of, like, things occurring. I can't do a comedy-themed post without sharing something from my favorite comedian, Norm Macdonald. Here, he completely and unfairly intrudes on Conan O'Brien's interview with Courtney-Thorne Smith, who had recently ended her run on Melrose place. Enjoy!
For your entertainment, here are a few more "Spooner-isms":
While out with Doug's (Kevin James) and Carrie's (Leah Remini) bla--ahem, African-American friends Deacon (Victor Williams) and Kelly (Merrin Dungey), Arthur is outraged at their seating arrangement:
"Rather than worry about what I am eating you should be concerned about why we've been seated so close to the kitchen? (to the waiter) IS IT BECAUSE WE'RE BLACK?!"
And as shown by the title, Arthur will never pass up the opportunity to mock Doug's enormous girth:
"You know, we're quite a pair, us two. Like Jake and the Fatman. Needless to say, I'm Jake."
This time, Arthur just can't seem to get the math right:
"Arthur: I've got two words for you: I'm staying right here!
Carrie: That's four words.
Arthur: Well, here's four more words for you: screw you!
Carrie: That's two words!
Doug: Arthur maybe you should stop saying how many words you are going to use in advance.
Arthur: Yeah, once you do that you're pretty much locked in, huh?"
Moving on from the Spooner-Heffernan clan, you may have noticed the quote at the beginning by stand-up comedian by Brian Regan because, well, it's the first thing I wrote. Right there in the beginning. So...that would happen. Here are more examples of Regan's clean, observational style of comedy:
Reminiscing about his junior high science fair judging:
"So I didn’t know what to do for my project so I brought in a paper cup filled with dirt, just hoping that she’d know I’m an idiot and just walk right on past me just as long as I was holding something.
So she walks by and goes, “What do you have there, Brian?”
“It’s a cup of dirt. Just put an ‘F’ on it there and let me go home!”
Then she goes, “Welllll, explain it.”
“Well, it’s a cup...with dirt in it. I call it ‘Cup of Dirt.’
You should move on now. Just go ahead and move on. Head on down the line there."
On the ridiculousness of serving sizes:
"One thing that amazes me, a serving size on the ice cream I had was like a half a cup. Is that like a joke some guy put on there? 'Hey, come here: look what I put for the serving size! Did you see? I just did it as a joke but they're going out like that!'
You ever know anybody to eat a half a cup of ice cream? 'Hey, you wanna go grab something to eat?' 'Ah, no. I had a half a cup of ice cream! Ya, a WHOLE half a cup. I just kept eating and eating and eating. I must've had two spoonfuls!'"
On being an idiot as a kid:
"I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew."
On ridiculous interview questions:
"Alright so Evil Conevil, yeah. They're always asking him about that time he messed up. And the strangest question I've ever heard them ask is this:
'So evil what were you thinking right before you hit the ground?'
I mean, how much stupider can you get?
Yeah, Evel goes, 'Well, Bob. I was thinking, Hey! Did I leave the iron on? And when my leg broke in half, Hey! I should get a puppy!'
'No! What do you think I was thinking? I was thinking AAAAAAAAA!!!!! AAAAAA!!!! AAAAAA!!!' "
And finally, the destructiveness of kids' party games:
"Then there was musical chairs. There's a nice little anxiety attack for seven year olds. Only one kid can win all the other kids are walking around going 'Ahh. Ahh. Ahh. Ahh!' You know elbowing their friends 'Ahh!' That's fun.
Somebody asks his kid, how was the party? 'It was horrible! I couldn't get a chair and I got a pin in my neck! Please don't make me go back! Please! You said that would be a happy house!' Musical chairs. Do you remember the first time you saw the chairs lined up like that for that game? I don't know about you but I counted the chairs and was like: 'Hey there's not enough chairs. There's not enough chairs for us.' And my mom goes, that's the whole point Brian. There's never enough in life, you'll always be miserable. There's no cake, there's no ice-cream. Happy birthday."
And finally, what is a "quotes" post without some of the very best from Whose Line is it Anyway? Yes indeed, the best show ever to air on television:
First up, some of the best from my favorite game, 'Narrate':
"Cats don't steal bras...unless they're really smart!"
"He had the kind of face only a mother could love... if that mother was blind in one eye and had that sort of milky film over the other one...You know? You know what I mean? But still, he was my identical twin."
Yeah...the last time I saw him he tried to kill me. But when you kill somone by...chopping off their head, rolling them up in a carpet, and burning it... you'd better make sure they're dead."
Our host Drew Carey always made sure to let us know the points didn't matter. But, Mr. Carey, just how useless were the points?
"...the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter, that's right, he points are like the cost of your funeral."
"The points are like Shaquille O'Neal at the free throw line."
"The points are like cheeseburgers after you've had angioplasty."
"The points are like whatever a delivery guy in a porno movie is delivering."
"They're useless, like the rack of Speedos at the Big and Tall shop."
"The points are like who has to use the bathroom after you do."
"The points are like four out of the Jackson Five."
And Drew always had a joke prepared for when we came back from a commercial. Here are some classics:
"And we're back to 'Whose Line is it Anyway', the show that gives Colin Mochrie a reason to live."
"I'm Drew Carey, you say tom-ay-to, I say bourbon and coke."
"Hey, If you want a transcript of tonight's show, just type out every word we say."
"Hey, If you want a free Whose Line is it Anyway? T-shirt, here's what you do: Take out an old T-shirt and a black marking pen, and on the front, write "Whose Line is it Anyway?".
"Hey, you know that disheveled-looking transvestite you always see leaning on a lamp post when you're driving home late at night? That's me!"
"Thanks for watching, tonight, by the way. Because let's face it, you could be reading to your kids, but... thanks for joining us for some laughs."
"Welcome back to 'Whose Line is it Anyway', or if you're watching it in a mirror, 'Anyway It Is Line Whose.'"
And we'll finish with a Dr. Seuss-inspired pickup line:
"Come sleep with me, sleep with me twice.
I'd think that that'd be very nice.
Lookey Lookey at the size of my shoe.
You know what they say, yes it's true."
Video:
For the first time, I'm going to share an actual video. Of, like, things occurring. I can't do a comedy-themed post without sharing something from my favorite comedian, Norm Macdonald. Here, he completely and unfairly intrudes on Conan O'Brien's interview with Courtney-Thorne Smith, who had recently ended her run on Melrose place. Enjoy!
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