"What's Troubling You Son? You've Never Looked Heavier."

"Anyway I met this woman, her name was, Amy, you know, so I go "Oh, A-M-Y?" She goes "No, A-Y-M-I-E".

"Ughhh... I have to take a nap!"

Then I go, I'm Brian, B-R-I-V-O-L-B-N, the number 7, the letter Q, that's right, 'Brennemenahgah!!!' Look at my name tag, it's, it's big."

Live - Brian Regan

No, the quote in the title is not an insult. I have no way to know if you're troubling, you're not my son, and I have no earthly idea how heavy are. Rather, it is one of several chuckle-worthy quips made by Arthur Spooner (played by Jerry Stiller) on the sitcom The Kings of Queens.

For your entertainment, here are a few more "Spooner-isms":

While out with Doug's (Kevin James) and Carrie's (Leah Remini) bla--ahem, African-American friends Deacon (Victor Williams) and Kelly (Merrin Dungey), Arthur is outraged at their seating arrangement:

"Rather than worry about what I am eating you should be concerned about why we've been seated so close to the kitchen? (to the waiter) IS IT BECAUSE WE'RE BLACK?!"

And as shown by the title, Arthur will never pass up the opportunity to mock Doug's enormous girth:

"You know, we're quite a pair, us two. Like Jake and the Fatman. Needless to say, I'm Jake."

This time, Arthur just can't seem to get the math right:

"Arthur: I've got two words for you: I'm staying right here!
Carrie: That's four words.
Arthur: Well, here's four more words for you: screw you!
Carrie: That's two words!
Doug: Arthur maybe you should stop saying how many words you are going to use in advance.
Arthur: Yeah, once you do that you're pretty much locked in, huh?"

Moving on from the Spooner-Heffernan clan, you may have noticed the quote at the beginning by stand-up comedian by Brian Regan because, well, it's the first thing I wrote. Right there in the beginning. So...that would happen. Here are more examples of Regan's clean, observational style of comedy:

Reminiscing about his junior high science fair judging:

"So I didn’t know what to do for my project so I brought in a paper cup filled with dirt, just hoping that she’d know I’m an idiot and just walk right on past me just as long as I was holding something.

So she walks by and goes, “What do you have there, Brian?”

“It’s a cup of dirt. Just put an ‘F’ on it there and let me go home!”

Then she goes, “Welllll, explain it.”

“Well, it’s a cup...with dirt in it. I call it ‘Cup of Dirt.’

You should move on now. Just go ahead and move on. Head on down the line there."

On the ridiculousness of serving sizes:

"One thing that amazes me, a serving size on the ice cream I had was like a half a cup. Is that like a joke some guy put on there? 'Hey, come here: look what I put for the serving size! Did you see? I just did it as a joke but they're going out like that!'

You ever know anybody to eat a half a cup of ice cream? 'Hey, you wanna go grab something to eat?' 'Ah, no. I had a half a cup of ice cream! Ya, a WHOLE half a cup. I just kept eating and eating and eating. I must've had two spoonfuls!'"

On being an idiot as a kid:

"I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew."

On ridiculous interview questions:

"Alright so Evil Conevil, yeah. They're always asking him about that time he messed up. And the strangest question I've ever heard them ask is this:

'So evil what were you thinking right before you hit the ground?'

I mean, how much stupider can you get?

Yeah, Evel goes, 'Well, Bob. I was thinking, Hey! Did I leave the iron on? And when my leg broke in half, Hey! I should get a puppy!'

'No! What do you think I was thinking? I was thinking AAAAAAAAA!!!!! AAAAAA!!!! AAAAAA!!!' "

And finally, the destructiveness of kids' party games:

"Then there was musical chairs. There's a nice little anxiety attack for seven year olds. Only one kid can win all the other kids are walking around going 'Ahh. Ahh. Ahh. Ahh!' You know elbowing their friends 'Ahh!' That's fun.

Somebody asks his kid, how was the party? 'It was horrible! I couldn't get a chair and I got a pin in my neck! Please don't make me go back! Please! You said that would be a happy house!' Musical chairs. Do you remember the first time you saw the chairs lined up like that for that game? I don't know about you but I counted the chairs and was like: 'Hey there's not enough chairs. There's not enough chairs for us.' And my mom goes, that's the whole point Brian. There's never enough in life, you'll always be miserable. There's no cake, there's no ice-cream. Happy birthday."

And finally, what is a "quotes" post without some of the very best from Whose Line is it Anyway? Yes indeed, the best show ever to air on television:

First up, some of the best from my favorite game, 'Narrate':

"Cats don't steal bras...unless they're really smart!"

"He had the kind of face only a mother could love... if that mother was blind in one eye and had that sort of milky film over the other one...You know? You know what I mean? But still, he was my identical twin."

Yeah...the last time I saw him he tried to kill me. But when you kill somone by...chopping off their head, rolling them up in a carpet, and burning it... you'd better make sure they're dead."

Our host Drew Carey always made sure to let us know the points didn't matter. But, Mr. Carey, just how useless were the points?

"...the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter, that's right, he points are like the cost of your funeral."

"The points are like Shaquille O'Neal at the free throw line."

"The points are like cheeseburgers after you've had angioplasty."

"The points are like whatever a delivery guy in a porno movie is delivering."

"They're useless, like the rack of Speedos at the Big and Tall shop."

"The points are like who has to use the bathroom after you do."

"The points are like four out of the Jackson Five."

And Drew always had a joke prepared for when we came back from a commercial. Here are some classics:

"And we're back to 'Whose Line is it Anyway', the show that gives Colin Mochrie a reason to live."

"I'm Drew Carey, you say tom-ay-to, I say bourbon and coke."

"Hey, If you want a transcript of tonight's show, just type out every word we say."

"Hey, If you want a free Whose Line is it Anyway? T-shirt, here's what you do: Take out an old T-shirt and a black marking pen, and on the front, write "Whose Line is it Anyway?".

"Hey, you know that disheveled-looking transvestite you always see leaning on a lamp post when you're driving home late at night? That's me!"

"Thanks for watching, tonight, by the way. Because let's face it, you could be reading to your kids, but... thanks for joining us for some laughs."

"Welcome back to 'Whose Line is it Anyway', or if you're watching it in a mirror, 'Anyway It Is Line Whose.'"

And we'll finish with a Dr. Seuss-inspired pickup line:

"Come sleep with me, sleep with me twice.
I'd think that that'd be very nice.
Lookey Lookey at the size of my shoe.
You know what they say, yes it's true."

Video:

For the first time, I'm going to share an actual video. Of, like, things occurring. I can't do a comedy-themed post without sharing something from my favorite comedian, Norm Macdonald. Here, he completely and unfairly intrudes on Conan O'Brien's interview with Courtney-Thorne Smith, who had recently ended her run on Melrose place. Enjoy!

Just Be Reasonable

I remember falling,
I remember marching,
Like a one man army,
Through the blaze
I know
I'm coughing,
I believe in something,
I don't want to remember falling,
For your lies.

One Man Army - Our Lady Peace


Oh hey there.

For the first time I didn't forget about this thing, and I wasn't too busy to write here, I just didn't feel like it. I feel like these are getting stale -- it's just me telling you what I've been doing. As much as I'd like to believe you do, I'm sure you don't care that much about my day-to-day life. I'll still tell you about it, but not unless there's some additional specific thing I want to talk about as well, like today. For the forseeable future this blog will be filled with Quotes, Links, and Rants posts. Hell, I almost just made this one a "rant".

Anyway, my summer has been good so far. My sister graduated last week, which still completely astounds me. It does not make sense that she is older than me, it does not make sense that she is about to go to college....nothing seems to make sense anymore. Like, how at every graduation, where you have to sit through eleventy billion names, it is always absurdly hot. Ruined the whole thing.

Everything about the heat sucks. Hot weather has zero redeeming qualities. There's the unbelievably and intrusively bright sun, the extreme sweating, the lack of air conditioning in my apartment, the inability to sleep at night, the Miami basketball team -- it is all dreadful. Go away, heat, nobody likes you.

I went to see a couple movies, a shocking change from the previous few months. I've joked lately about how you can probably name any movie that has come out the past 2 or 3 years and there's a very good chance I haven't seen it. Avatar? Nope. Black Swan? Nope. Toy Story 3? Nope. Bridesmaids? Thor? Inception? Fast Five? None of them. I'm not making some sort of statement; I just don't go to the movies that often. I didn't even see Hangover until last Saturday, and that was only because I was going to see Hangover 2 on Monday.

I was able to spend some time with my dad. Had a nice chat with him at the graduation, then was at his house this past weekend. It had been quite a while since I had seen him. He had been out of a job for a while (until today, full time sales position at a Dodge Chrysler place, hoo-rah) and couldn't afford to come down here from Los Banos and get us. I've had my issues in the past with my parents' divorce and going to see him but it really is awesome to know that you have somebody who cares about you so much. Everything he does is for me and my sisters, and you couldn't ask for much more from a parent.

So enough of that feel-good rainbows and sunshiney ponies stuff.

I was talking to a friend who recently was dumped by his girlfriend. It's a whole thing but what it comes down to is there was a failure to communicate and it ended up with (I think) him being used. Now, herein lies the connection to the title of this post...we have to be reasonable toward each other, you know? It's part of the reason I try to stay away from relationships in high school. In high school especially, people just don't talk. They don't communicate their feelings or their intentions, and it all seems like it's more for show than anything else. Speaking generally, of course. There are exceptions.

How is that fair to anybody, though? We learn to talk when we're at a very young age, and unless we're stricken with a disease or some condition, we don't ever really forget. How hard is it to just talk to people? How hard is it to say what you're feeling and to be honest with people? It's one of the few things that truly infuriates me. So many problems can be solved with simple communication, but for whatever reason people aren't able to do it. Oh well.

Don't have too much on the schedule until July. I'll be hanging around and staying low-key for the next week or so. I keep saying it, but soon I will go take the permit test and start driving. Soon.

Video:

I'll go ahead and share some of The Black Keys with you. Does anybody make cooler music? Like, not really exotic or intricate or anything...it's just like, if you're listening to them while you're walking down the street, you'll start walking like you're a boss or something. I don't know. Sort of reminiscent of the White Stripes. Enjoy!

Old Feelings, New Look, New Beginnings

My hands seem
To deceive me
When I'm nervous
Or when I'm healthy,
The scenery's all drawn:
They hang here
From the walls, dear
Painting pictures
Bleeding colors,
Blanket the windows.

Walls - Emery

Is it possible to so actively try not to do something, be successful, and still have it be counterproductive? I won't get into specifics, but that's where I'm at. A crappy ending to an otherwise great day

I promised last time that the next time I would post, it would be summer. Well, here we are. Gone is a tumultuous junior year. I will not miss it. There were some good times, but they were way more outweighed by the stuff I have had to deal with, and am still dealing with. Finally, I'm a senior. Feels damn good to say that.


Unless you have ventured over to my blog without having a new post to read (which I um, highly doubt), you'll notice the new look. I worked on it for a decent amount of time, and I like it. I had been meaning to re-design the blog for a while, but never actually got to it until after my last post. It's very simple. and it's a good layout, I think. Plus, my face is now on it, which is a plus for you.


This will be a summer or relaxation. It'll be a summer of rediscovery. I plan to lay back and sort of recharge for one last summer, then actually try to get "going" in life. I still haven't decided whether or not to take the CHSPE...we'll see. I'm beginning to lean toward not doing it, but it wouldn't be the first time I flip-flopped on something like that.


That's about all I have for today. Time to go write. I have a lot to get out right now that I can't here beyond the vague question I posed in the open. You folks enjoy your summer and enjoy the rest of your day.


Video:

"We live life! Like it's the last day of school
Yeahhhh!
We live life! Like it's the last day of school
So, do what you want to do!"

No explanation needed. The official song for this day. Enjoy!

Nice To Know You

This season’s growing cold

I fear that this could be the end
And there’s no sign of hope
We’ve got a crisis on our hands

Crisis - Alexisonfire

If you are friends with me on facebook, you've probably heard me complaining about the man pictured above once or twice. It is former Oakland Athletics idiot -- I mean manager -- Bob Geren. Boy, you don't know how good that feels to say, *former* manager. The guy had no business managing a major league baseball team, period. This is three years overdue. The above lines from "Crisis" by Alexisonfire represent what I felt about the A's with Geren at the helm this season.

Today was the first day of finals. I only had one, Spanish 3, and I would be shocked if I got better than a C. That should keep me in the B/B- range in that class, which I'll take. I have two more finals: Stats, and then a dumb presentation that should be done in junior high. But I digress, because Bob Geren was fired. And that's awesome.

It stuns me that it's already June 10th. It's really ridiculous. I don't even have a 2011 calendar yet. I've always joked that I want to stay a kid forever, but I can't wait for senior year, and eventually graduation. One more year looms and then I can actually accomplish things.

I recently read Catcher in the Rye, and I definitely had a similar reaction as the kids on South Park did. It is a tremendously overrated book, in my opinion. Holden Caulfield isn't some profound individual, he's just another kid who whines about everyone sucking to cover up the fact that he's terrified of reality and losing his innocence. Theme-wise, it's almost To Kill A Mockingbird, but with "goddamn" thrown in there eleventy billion times. It is probably the most annoying book I've ever read, not that that's necessarily saying much. The schtick really gets old after about 10 chapters or so.

A couple weeks ago I put about 200 new songs on my iPod. Always great to have a variety of stuff to listen to. Most of it was stuff I just that I should've had, like some Bob Dylan and Pearl Jam, but I added some new Incubus, Parlor Mob, Black Keys, Silversun Pickups... all kinds of stuff. I love music. Like, seriously. Especially music I haven't heard before that's good. Always makes it seem that much more awesome.

Considering I almost forgot about this, I'm sure that the next time I post, it will be summer. Which will be awesome. See you then.

Video:

I was going to post this anyway because I've been listening to this song ad nauseum for the past week or so, but the title and everything really works with the whole Bob Geren thing. This is Nice To Know You by Incubus. Enjoy!