It's amazing how life just gets in the way sometimes. I was totally committed to paying more attention to this blog but an incredible combination of unfortunate circumstances has hindered me from being able to do so. Finals time was apparently a very very bad time to try to start this.
I am currently very ill and also have some work to do, so I don't have much energy or motivation to write up a full, well though out out blog post. So I'll just leave you with a random grab bag of links:
You probably saw my post about the guy with the longest name, "Captain Fantastic Faster than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined". No, seriously. Found it at this nifty site, home of the longest...everything.
I also posted on facebook a while back another site I stumbled upon, home of the "web genius". Think of a relatively famous person and see if he can guess.
Another time-waster, a cool quiz site I visit from time to time.
You may have stumbled upon this video of a women falling into a water fountain because she was too busy texting. It has definitely gone viral, and for that she is, unsurprisingly, suing for defamation.
No invention could ever top this. If I can walk around in my bed, my life will be complete.
And of course, the obligatory Whose Line video - coming to a city near you, a new Tex-Mex restaraunt chain, Nacho Mama!
Blog Status:
With finals starting next week, I probably won't post until after then. So, so long for a week or so!
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You also may have heard that I stumbled upon a great rapper from Seattle (home of like every great musician, ever), Macklemore.. He's really really really good. I think that anybody could enjoy him.
Every time I start a long-term blog-type thing, it's over a weekend or break, and I always assume I'll be able to keep it up during the week. And every time, that never happens. I'm either too tired or too busy to do it. I'm still pretty tired now, but the blog must go on...
I don't really have any sort of direction for this one, so I'll just go with whatever pops in my head. Well, not whatever pops into my head, but you know what I mean.
If you're wondering where I got the idea of putting all the links in, either because you think it's neat or it's really stupid, well there are a few reasons. For one, I've read other blogs that do it and it always turns out pretty well. Second, as anyone who's read anything I've written anywhere probably has figured out by now, I'm very uncomfortable talking without adding some sort of humor or distraction. Without it it's just the boring drivel of some annoying arrogant black guy. And lastly, most of my humor is snarky comments responding to something else or a reference to something else. I'm not really original at all. If I tried stand up I'd be horrible.
I guess while I'm continuing to ramble on about this thing I created, I should explain the url too. Well, "enigmatic conundrum" is supposed to satirize the fact that I am nothing of the sort. I'm as much of a simpleton as you'll find. And I told you I'm not funny.
Moving on from that, I was reading one of many books about WWF superstars the other day so I guess I can talk about that. I havent watched pro wrestling in a while now, but I still get annoyed when people shrug it off as being "fake" or "gay". 95% of the people in the world could not do what those guys do. Getting into that business is hell. I was reading Adam "Edge" Copeland's book about winter "death" tours in which he'd drive 20 hours in -30 degree temperature to go perform in front of 50 people for 75 bucks. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin was on a diet of tuna fish and raw potatoes for months while traveling in Tennessee working in any place you can find. You have to sacrifice so much to even have a chance to get into that business. And you have to be dedicated.
I haven't even mentioned the fact that you have to be really freaking athletic and intelligent. Though match outcomes are determined beforehand, everything you see out there is improvised. Seriously, they'll tell you to go out and wrestle for 20 minutes, and put on a show. It's actually really interesting when you figure out how it's done. And the mat, the mat is no joke. It's thin canvas on top of wood on top of a mattress. There's very little give. Now imagine having to jump on and off that for over 300 days a year, while safely performing a variety of athletic moves. It's not "fake". It is scripted, but anybody who steps into a ring will tell you it isn't fake. You can and will get seriously hurt during matches and are expected to continue right through it. Really, it's remarkable. I have great respect for pro wrestlers.
I've gained the same sort of respect for people in film. Now I'll be the first to tell you that celebrity coverage is a joke and actors are overpaid and ridiculously glorified and not that important and all that noise. But acting is tough, man. You have to work to get those roles, and filming itself is very very hard and tedious. Same with directors and writers. Those guys are really amazing to me, because you have to have so much vision, creativity, and pure talent to do both. Can you imagine writing a three-hour script. That idea is insane to me. Coming up with it and directing it is even more incredible. Those guys are really really talented.
Wow, after talking so much about how I have to inject some sort of humor into everything, there was none in the last four paragraphs. I am an admitted hypocrite. Oh well. Just because I can't think of anything else right now, here are some things I like and don't like:
I like:
to move it move it Norm Macdonald. Funniest guy ever. Brian Regan. Also funny. I can always respect a comedian who can be clean and funny. Sex jokes and gay jokes are as easy as Lindsay Lohan after she's had a few. See? Easy. This isn't. big butts and I cannot lie iTunes People who watch or listen to old stuff. Like, if you know who Rod Serling is, you get a thousand points "the first scissor cut into a fresh piece of construction paper" pages on facebook wordplay, puns, anything witty the onion bacon Rachel McAdams. Gorgeouser than you. the old game show Match Game
I don't like:
writer's block when people say "what" after they heard what you said when people say things to get you to ask things. like saying "UGGGGHHH I CANT BELIEVE THIS" and then expecting me to ask what's wrong. if something's wrong, say it when people say they're fine when they're not skinny jeans makeup. because my mom and sisters hog up the mirror for eleventy billion hours putting it on, because there's so much of it, because lots of girls overdo it and because it's usually unnecessary when i get a million status updates about the same thing. i didnt even feel that earthquake How somehow I decided somewhere up there to stop using capital letters when people talk using textspeak unnecessary loud noise people who make it a point to tell you that they are tough or "not to mess with them". stop it. batteries. they always go out at the worst possible time, like the batteries in my mouse and keyboard right now advertisements on youtube how my "dont like" list is always way longer then my "like" list. makes me seem like such an unhappy person
I'm gonna go ahead and end this torture now. I promise better blogs in the future. TGIF, time to GTFO.
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The Dead Weather is awesome. Really, everything Jack White does is awesome. Well I don't know everything he does, but his music is good. Like the last blog, if there's anything you do read or watch in this entry I hope it's this. So, so great. If this doesn't get your toes-a-tappin' or your heads-a-rockin' or other body parts doing various things, I don't know what will. Enjoy!
No, I was not responsible for that humorous play on words regarding the lead singer of The Police. That was one of many great quotes by the incomparable Colin Mochrie. And I thought it was a great way to introduce my last feature on this blog, which will simply be a collection of quotes from various shows and movies. If there's anyone out there (who am I kidding?), feel free to post your own in the comments!
I'm a little disappointed that I didn't find a way to incorporate this Billy Madison quote into yesterday's Rant. In response to Billy's take on the Industrial Revolution, the Principal gave what may be the most remarkable (yet calm) insult ever seen on film: "Mr. Madison...what you've just said...is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points...and may God have mercy on your soul."
While that may be the best insult ever seen on film, this speech from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles was so nice, you should see it twice. I think this should be your default response to anybody who ever criticizes you, whether it applies to what they said or not. Now that would be funny:
"You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get."
On that same note (well, kind of), I think we'd better think twice when we criticize Peter Griffin: "You'd better watch who you're callin' a child Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I stand here and be lectured by a pervert."
Sticking with Family Guy for the moment, it appears Peter really understood Lois when she told him what they could accomplish when they work as a team: "Because together we can do anything, face any foe, overcome any obstacle."
"Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois. Other people's phones. Decent phones! God-fearing phones! Phones that everybody else gave up on but we knew better, because we were a team! "
Meanwhile, Peter has some choice words for those jerks from the 19th century:
"You know what really grinds my gears? People from the 19th century. Why don't they get with the freakin' program! It's called an 'automobile', folks, it's much faster than a horse!"
Time to step away from Family Guy and move onto the greatest show to ever air on television. We'll begin with some of Colin Mochrie's world-famous "Crap-isms", from the game "Hollywood Director": "That was so beyond crap that it would take a spaceship 15 years to get to a planet close enough to look through a telescope at the crap it was."
"You know why the floor's so clean? It's because you all sucked!"
"I haven't seen that much crap since I directed that horse laxative commercial!"
The best scenes, in my opinion, were those that took us back to the days of film noir. "Narrate" was my favorite game, here are some legendary quotes:
"But when you kill somone by chopping off their head, rolling them up in a carpet, and burning it... you better make sure they're dead."
"She was playing a game that women and men had played for centuries. Unfortunately, she looked like an open autopsy."
(Laundromat) "I knew he wanted me to go for the clothes. Then he would shove me in, close the door, and put me on high, permanent press. I'd already fallen for that 3 times today."
"Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two-Shoes" McClarty confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only 2 small porcelain figures. Police admit that this might be the first recorded case of a "Knick-Knack-Paddy-Whack".
"Our top story today; rock-star Prince has changed his name once again. After changing long-distance carriers, Prince, the artist formerly known as 'The Artist Formerly Known as Prince', will now be known as 'The Artist Who Formerly Phoned with Sprint'"
"60's musical group The Byrds today announced a twenty-four city reunion tour with their new band member, George W. Bush . To save money, Mr. Bush will play both guitar and drums. According to a spokesman, a Bush in the band is worth two in the Byrds."
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I'll go with another musical selection today. This is by a virtually unknown band called "The Big Pink". If you were to read or watch any one thing from this post, I'd suggest this. The intro, I believe, is used for a fairly widespread car commercial. I forget which one. Enjoy!
