2 A.M. And I'm Still Awake, Writing a Blog...

Yes, it is seriously after two in the morning, and yes, I am seriously writing a blog entry right now. Like Cartman, I am seriously, you guys.

This will probably be the last entry for a while, partly because (as evidenced by my writing this right now) I am slowly but surely losing my freaking mind, and partly because I will actually be busy during the next week or so. With, like, actual work. I want to throw up just thinking about it.

I've always known I was lazy, but I always thought that my completely genuine hope and ambition for a future would overcome that. I was wrong. I cannot get off my lazy ass to finish applying to colleges. Being accepted to SF State so early may turn out to be the worst thing that could have happened, because in addition to being lazy I am now somewhat complacent. Dangerous combination.

Also, I am going out of my mind. Because I cannot say why that is the case. Which is causing me to go even further out of my mind. I am not in control of anything emotionally, and that is terrifying.

I spent the day today with some people I used to go to school with, and, even though I hate my former self and I generally dread any thoughts and memories of middle school, I am beginning to realize how sentimentally valuable those memories are. Those people will always be important to me and I really enjoy the fact that we haven't completely drifted apart. But, being the cynically neurotic SOB I am, I cannot help but worry that that's exactly what will happen when we all go off to college. Geographical barriers are a bitch.

By the way, I am losing my mind and I hate losing.

I have a hard time putting my faith in things, especially things that have disappointed me time and time again. Therefore, it is hard for me to understand why I am going to the Raiders game this Sunday, the biggest game in nearly a decade. They will inevitably fold under pressure and I will again be pissed beyond belief after the time and emotion I invest in that team goes unrewarded.

And wow, that reminds me of "something else", which is the reason I've nearly gone completely batshit crazy.

I shall see you all back here in the distant future.

Video:

Because I need some way to convince myself that I'm not insane, I'm not insane.

posted from Bloggeroid

Existence is An Empty, Meaningless Word

So, I had this excellent excellent post written out, marking my "triumphant" return to AEC. And I lost it. I hate not having a computer. Anyhow, I will try to remember it as well as I can, although it almost certainly won't be as good as the first.

Anyway. Hello there. Long time. Yes, I'm back. Not that I died and was resurrected or anything, but internet-wise, I have returned.It is remarkable how my mind works. At least, to me. Usually I will plan to do something like write on this blog. And usually I know what I am going to write about well beforehand. But, that is not the case this time. Obviously, I had completely abandoned this blog. For various reasons. But I was recently making a tumblr for reasons I still don't understand, and had to enter a name for it. And then I remembered "an enigmatic conundrum" from this blog. One thing lead to another, as they say, and here I am.

So, one of my first thoughts when I thought of this blog again was "oh yeah, that thing exists". And so, being the extraordinarily philosophically deep thinker I am, I began to think about the meaning of existence. Then I came to the conclusion that existence in itself is meaningless. For example, this blog has existed for the past six months or so, but during that time it has been aimlessly floating around among the 3,736,927,522 other things in cyberspace.

And then, being the deeper philosophical thinker I am, I started to connect that to things happening to me now. I feel like for a long time now I have just "existed" to people, which normally is fine, but it is harder when that seems to be the case to people whose opinion you really value, to be as vague as possible. And that's a horrible feeling, both because it just sucks and because there's nothing I can really do about it outside of completely changing who I am. And so now what's left is this dull, existing being who doesnt appear to mean much. So all I can do is wait for the opposite to be the case. And to be honest, I am fucking sick of waiting at this point.

Anyway, moving on. When I first revisited this site, I read through most of my older entries, both because I always read my old text and internet interactions, and because I wanted to see how much I've changed over the past six months, if at all. Originally I had planned on saying that I no longer sound whiny, naive, and full of myself, but the first few paragraphs of this entry completely fly in the face of that suggestion.

So then, I decided to think about the most important things that have happened to me within the last half year. As I thought about it, I realized that the most important things have happened within the past few weeks or so, which is both convenient and depressing. I was accepted to SF State, which means I have something to do for at least the next four years. And then there's something else. Now here on AEC, it is always quite obvious what "something else" is, but I enjoy vagueness. Anyway, something else has made me realize how relative a term important is. What has been and still is mind-bogglingly important and amazing to me is not as important to, um, others. Which is disconcerting.

But, there you have it. I'm sure you have missed the depressing, pseudo-insane ramblings of a mind filled with thoughts like a fat man's stomach is filled with donuts and lard.

Ah, yes, the embarrassingly bad and tasteless similes have returned. Boy, it sure is great to be "back"!

Video:

After proofreading this, I noticed how terribly saddening this entry is. So, I decided to post something that makes me happy. Them Crooked Vultures make me happy. And so, I am posting them. Jesus, how many times have I used "so" or "and so" to transition? Yeesh. Anyway, enjoy!