No, I was not responsible for that humorous play on words regarding the lead singer of The Police. That was one of many great quotes by the incomparable Colin Mochrie. And I thought it was a great way to introduce my last feature on this blog, which will simply be a collection of quotes from various shows and movies. If there's anyone out there (who am I kidding?), feel free to post your own in the comments!
I'm a little disappointed that I didn't find a way to incorporate this Billy Madison quote into yesterday's Rant. In response to Billy's take on the Industrial Revolution, the Principal gave what may be the most remarkable (yet calm) insult ever seen on film:
"Mr. Madison...what you've just said...is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points...and may God have mercy on your soul."
While that may be the best insult ever seen on film, this speech from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles was so nice, you should see it twice. I think this should be your default response to anybody who ever criticizes you, whether it applies to what they said or not. Now that would be funny:
"You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get."
On that same note (well, kind of), I think we'd better think twice when we criticize Peter Griffin:
"You'd better watch who you're callin' a child Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I stand here and be lectured by a pervert."
Sticking with Family Guy for the moment, it appears Peter really understood Lois when she told him what they could accomplish when they work as a team:
"Because together we can do anything, face any foe, overcome any obstacle."
"Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois. Other people's phones. Decent phones! God-fearing phones! Phones that everybody else gave up on but we knew better, because we were a team! "
Meanwhile, Peter has some choice words for those jerks from the 19th century:
"You know what really grinds my gears? People from the 19th century. Why don't they get with the freakin' program! It's called an 'automobile', folks, it's much faster than a horse!"
Time to step away from Family Guy and move onto the greatest show to ever air on television. We'll begin with some of Colin Mochrie's world-famous "Crap-isms", from the game "Hollywood Director":
"That was so beyond crap that it would take a spaceship 15 years to get to a planet close enough to look through a telescope at the crap it was."
"I believe it was Shakespeare who said, "All the world's a stage and you are CRAP!"
"You know why the floor's so clean? It's because you all sucked!"
"I haven't seen that much crap since I directed that horse laxative commercial!"
The best scenes, in my opinion, were those that took us back to the days of film noir. "Narrate" was my favorite game, here are some legendary quotes:
"But when you kill somone by chopping off their head, rolling them up in a carpet, and burning it... you better make sure they're dead."
"She was playing a game that women and men had played for centuries. Unfortunately, she looked like an open autopsy."
(Laundromat) "I knew he wanted me to go for the clothes. Then he would shove me in, close the door, and put me on high, permanent press. I'd already fallen for that 3 times today."
And, one more batch of Whose Line quotes, the news according to Whose Line:
"Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two-Shoes" McClarty confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only 2 small porcelain figures. Police admit that this might be the first recorded case of a "Knick-Knack-Paddy-Whack".
"Our top story today; rock-star Prince has changed his name once again. After changing long-distance carriers, Prince, the artist formerly known as 'The Artist Formerly Known as Prince', will now be known as 'The Artist Who Formerly Phoned with Sprint'"
"60's musical group The Byrds today announced a twenty-four city reunion tour with their new band member, George W. Bush . To save money, Mr. Bush will play both guitar and drums. According to a spokesman, a Bush in the band is worth two in the Byrds."
Video:
I'll go with another musical selection today. This is by a virtually unknown band called "The Big Pink". If you were to read or watch any one thing from this post, I'd suggest this. The intro, I believe, is used for a fairly widespread car commercial. I forget which one. Enjoy!
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